The Disturbing Adventures of Yuffie Kisaragi
by Aporro
Summary: Imagine the Traverse Town gang. Now imagine them being consumed by OOCness. Then imagine the only one who has the power to stop the evil OOCness is a Hyperactive Ninja. Reviews please.
1. When Things Explode

Another day, another story that I will never finish… Ah well. Characters from FFVII and FFVIII.

DISCLAIMER: I refuse to write anything here… I OWN THEM I TELL YA! I OWN THEM-is dragged away in a straight jacket, with lawyers chasing-

Yuffie: I come with the real disclaimer! She ain't own nuthin'.

Chappie 1: When things explode

* * *

It was a hot summer's day, with nothing to do but sweat. Yuffie sat on the edge of the roof of the Gizmo Shop. She wasn't doing anything that uncommon, because she was bored. All the shops have been robbed, all the monsters have been defeated, and Leon was missing. Check, check, and check. Aerith wasn't any fun to bug, because sooner or later, she would have to go SHOPPING. Twitch. And that ain't nice. Her head rested in her hands as her legs swung around.

A sigh to rattle one's own ribs came out of Yuffie's mouth, and quite a few of the bugs in front of her mouth dropped down dead. She realized she hadn't brushed her teeth in ages. Her hand cupped up to her mouth and tried smelling her own breath. A glass cracked somewhere, and she fell, arms and legs like ribbons flying out. Oh what a graceful ninja I am… Incomprehensible words came out in a high-pitched scream as she fell onto a leather mattress. The mattress said Umph.

Meanwhile… Leon was battling a Defender right under the Gizmo Shop. He turned his sword into that…blue glowing sword thingy. "POWER!" The sword swished as he tested it out. It was quite a while since he used that. He charged right at the dog head with all his strength, stopped, and looked up. "What the…" A scream came from right above him, cresendoing. A green and yellow blur hit him on the head, and then he grunted. Then, all was black.

Yuffie struggled to get up, holding her head and still dizzy from the crash. "Eh…? HOLY MOLY! DEFENDER! SQUALLIE! GET UP! JEEZ! PICK A WONDERFUL TIME TO BE OUT COLD!" Panic was in her eyes as they went huge. Leon's shoulders shook violently as Yuffie was attacking him in every possible way in a desperate rampage to wake him up. "GOOD GAWD! I CAN'T KILL A DENFENDER BY MYSELF!" Unfortunately, Leon was a heavy sleeper. A very heavy sleeper.

Yuffie composed herself. She would have to kill this heartless by herself. Stars ready, Yuffie took a stance, ready to kill the Defender, but if you looked down a bit, you would have seen her knees shaking. Hard. For some reason, the Defender stopped in its tracks and started to tremble. "Ha! I see you fear me! Well I don't blame you! I would be scared of me too if I were you!" She tucked a strand of hair back as she grinned triumphantly, but couldn't help letting out a sigh of relief. The grin went poof as the defender looked about to explode. It did. Pieces of blue flesh spattered everywhere, and that's not excluding Yuffie. "EWWWW! GROSSNESS! EW EW EW EW EW EW!" She stomped around, wringing her hands. What she didn't notice is the fact someone was trying to get out of the pile of blue flesh that was stuck on the wall.

A man with blood red eyes and a very pale face that was disturbingly calm for someone that just got spattered on a wall in heartless flesh, had long messy black hair and a red cape, his left arm was made of metal, and he wore pointy metal shoes with a size almost to match Sora's. Almost.

"EW EW EW EW EW EW! I'M SO GONNA KILL SQUALLIE FOR THIS!" She kept on stomping her feet and wringing her hands as the blob of blue flesh on the wall moved with a disgusting squishing sound. "Heeeeeey…" Her movements slowly stopped and she looked at the wiggling stuff on the wall… Poke. Poke harder. Push really hard with finger. "Ehhhhhhhhh… AHHHHHH! LEGGO LEGGO LEGGOOOOO!" The finger she was using to poke the remains of the defender was grabbed by metal claw fingers and was held in an un-releasing grasp.

The guy poked his head out, and Yuffie gasped. "That hurt." An emotionless façade was kept on his face constantly, and only the slightest amount of annoyance showed. Quite like Leon.

Yuffie gasped. Then screamed. Then turned the gasp and scream into one, with excitement. "VINNIE!" She tackled him, and then dragged him down onto the ground, the stuff behind him releasing with a rubber squeaking sound. "VINNIE! VINNIE! VINNIE! YAY YAY YAY!"

Vincent stood up, straightening his clothes while Yuffie skipped all around him, showering flowers that seemed to come out of nowhere on Vinnie. Then, a whirling hurricane of leather and metal also came out of nowhere and charged at Vinnie.

Meanwhile… Leon opened one eye and looked at Vincent coming out of the yucky stuff, and he saw Yuffie tackling him. Then he saw he came out of the flesh and slammed Yuffie to the ground. His eyes widened and he jumped up. "I'LL SAVE YOU YUFFIE!" He slammed the Gunblade right at Vincent's head and KABOOM! Good thing Vincent was not human, because a normal human would have been smashed into pieces and died. So the good part was that his head remained intact, but the bad part was that he went all goofy with a lopsided smile on his head…. And fell flat on his face onto the stone of the second district. Clang.

Yuffie watched horrified at all this, with her eyes growing at every clang. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! VINNIE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SQUALL? HE'S DEAD! THE FIRST FRIEND TO COME BACK TO ME SINCE CLOUD AND YOU KILL HIM?" She dropped to her knees and wept uncontrollably over Vincent's unconscious, but breathing body. Then a pulse was felt. "IT'S ALIVE! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A crash of thunder was heard, and then more maniacal laughter.

Leon watched dumbly in a corner, scratching his head occasionally. I knew Yuffie should have had therapy when that doctor came to town… Thought similar to that one filled his head as he watched the scene before his eyes.

Vinnie moaned and got up. "I heard that phrase enough in my lifetime… Why am I knocked down on the ground? Who knocked me down? Why does my head hurt?" He rubbed a huge bump as he sat up with half-lidded eyes.

Yuffie glared at Squall, while Squall coward under Yuffie's gaze. He had beaten an evil sorceress that destroyed many people's lives, but he was afraid of a little 16-year-old girl. "Don't mind Squall, Vinnie, he's a jackass." She patted Vinnie on the head.

"Err… Yeah… Have you been hanging out with Cid too much?" Leon pointed an accusing finger at Yuffie and leaned no the wall.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! That old rotten…" she shuddered, "…thing… HECK NO!" She gagged, but Vincent's ears seemed to perk up.

"He's alive?" He stood up and stared hard at Yuffie, awaiting an answer.

"Err… Yeah… Why do you care so much? Are you gay?" Yuffie sniggered.

Vincent crossed his arms and said, "Maybe."

Yuffie screamed, and the inhabitants all looked up from their daily toils, shrugged, and went back to work. Probably just another person that got killed by the Heartless, they all thought. Back to Yuffie. Her scream got so high pitched that it went outside of the human sound spectrum.

Vincent hurried to cover her mouth. "Levianthan(sp?)! I was joking! Jeez!" He quickly whispered.

Yuffie's eyes got even wider, if that was humanly possible. She managed a mumble that sounded a lot like, "Vinnie joking? That's scarier than him being gay!"

Leon rolled his eyes and said to the two, "C'mon, let's go and see Aerith and Cloud." Then he motioned with his hand for them to follow.

The two followed Leon, Yuffie skipping and Vincent watching with amazement at the fact Yuffie can skip 3 feet high each time without trying to.

6 swirling black orbs came out of the sky and out dropped 6 defenders. Vincent reached for his gun and then screamed like a little girl when he realized it wasn't there. "MY DEATH PENALTY! MY PRECIOUS! IT'S GONE!" Then he ran around screaming his head off.

Leon and Yuffie were back to back, scared like hell, for they had never encountered 6 defenders at once before, and they were terrified.

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Yuffie dropped down to her knees and sobbed hysterically while Leon was twitching violently.

Then the obvious leader of the pack gave instructions to the rest and then they… ALL POUNCED ON LEON AND YUFFIE AND VINCENT!

* * *

Yeah… Quite random? Yes. Notice this is my first KH fic. And remember the fact I can't write. Next chappie: Chocobo Soup for the Maniac Depressant. Review! 


	2. Chocobo Soup for the Maniac Depressant

sniffs really hard- I FEEL SPECIAL! Yeah. Sorry. I'm just happy to see someone review. Now…. –showers Return-of-skeledude12 with… furniture- Hmm… That wasn't the best idea I've had… I'll pay your medical bill… AND SINCE I AM SOOOO NICE, I'LL INCLUDE ZELL! Sooooo on to the story.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them… Look, I would have said I owned them, but the lawyers behind me with the huge axes won't let me.

Chappie 2: Chocobo Soup for the Maniac Depressants' Soul

* * *

The whirling cloud of dust, fire, blizzard, teeth, Gunblade, Conformer, and scared Failed Experiment rolled all around the Second District.

"Ahhhh! Yuffie! That was my eye!"

"Oops, sorry, your eyes and Defender's eyes are the same color!"

"You don't stand a chance!"

"Eh, Squallie, you know we're off camera, so you don't have to say those stupid little 'lines', right?"

"Ohhhh… We are?"

And so the Heartless they bumped into sat down on any sit-able surface and called their friends for the big show. The Wyverns bought the refreshments while everybody else placed bets.

"Wizzz Shish zzz whesh!" (I STILL say the Defenders are going to win!)

"Yezz sha Leeon esz Yuffy, ezzz popo!" (I saw Leon and Yuffie Fight before, they're gonna beat them for sure!)

"Whazza peke thaa foo? Toi heh zzz fes!" (What about that guy? His eyes are red!)

"….." (…..)

"Whazza?" (What?)

Meanwhile… Vincent was afraid.

FlAsHbAcK

He was in Gold Saucer before all of this happened, with the fangirls trying to bind him to a pole. Then, a hand that looked amazingly like Sephiroth's came out of a black wormhole and grabbed his collar. "You're coming with me…" The hand pulled him in, leaving behind a group of confused fangirls sticking their hands in the wormhole, trying to drag him back.

He was temporarily relived that the hand saved him from the fangirls, but then realization dawned on him. The hand belonged to Sephiroth. "AHHHHH! SEPHIROTH!" He started chewing his hand in an attempt to chew it off.

Sephiroth paid no attention. He threw Vincent into a Denfender mould in the factory of E.V.I.L. (Edible Vile Iguana Lint). "Hey, cousin Ansem, I've got a human for you for the chewy gummi heartless with the delicious human insides!"

Ansem looked at Vincent. "Jeez, this ain't a human, this is a package containing four monsters from hell! Hmm… What if I put him in a REAL Defender? Then I would have an almightily weapon that will destroy the Keyblade Master and his friends! BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Ansem's hands rose up into the air in demonic laughter.

Sephiroth, who was watching silently in a corner, pitying his cousin, finally spoke. "You sound just like those cheesy cartoons… Yes, I know, you're working for Disney, but you don't have to act like one of more stupid villains…" His head turned up to the sky and said in an admiring voice. "Ah yes… Malnificent (SP?) was a great villain… Evil… But not cheesy… And almost KILLED someone so innocent…"

Ansem looked very annoyed. He didn't like one of his lackeys to be better than him, and his little brain couldn't take it. Up went his foot to meet Sephiroth's shin.

"OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"Insulting me right in front of my face! HOW DARE YOU?" A pointy finger poked Sephiroth's eye. The owner of the finger stomped his feet on the ground, and then started bawling.

Sephiroth had one hand to his eye and one hand to his shin. The other leg was hopping around like crazy as he bumped into many important objects, therefore knocking them down onto the ground and breaking them.

"GAAAAH! FRIGGIN' DAMNIT!" Sephiroth was roaring with pain, tears coming out of his Mako enhanced eyes.

A huge blip that had the SQUARE ENIX logo on it landed on the see-through glass roof. "WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! THIS IS A RATED E GAME, YOU CANNOT CURSE! ANYTHING YOU SAY MAY BE AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN COURT!" A guy with a huge loudspeaker and spiky blond hair yelled through an even bigger loudspeaker.

SWAT (SquareEnix Will Annihilate Troublemakers) teams dropped down from the blip and landed safely. Then they bounced fifty-feet into the air and dropped back down again.

Sephiroth, who never even touched anything that came close to destroying his eyesight (AN: Unlike SOME of us… like me…) had perfect vision. His eyes squinted and saw that the SWAT team members all had springs in their heels. The previously squinting eyes grew to the size of Sora's shoes.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!" Then Sephiroth started to run for his miserable life.

Meanwhile… Riku watched from his corner, looking like a giant pink balloon from all the laughter he was trying to hold in. GOLD! THIS IS GOLD! That was the only thought playing in his head at the moment. He had it all on tape. From Sephiroth coming out of the wormhole to the: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS! AKA, wonderful blackmail.

Riku just managed to get out of Kingdom Hearts and return to Destiny Islands and get his friends convinced that he wasn't evil. But THEN. THEY CAME. Ansem and Sephiroth each sat cross-legged on a purple-ish cloud, grinning like Cheshire Cats. Each one grabbed one arm, and then they dragged Riku into the sky, with Riku flailing his legs and Sora and Co. watching while saying, "OOOoOOOooooOOOhhh… AhhhHHHhHHHhhhh…"

He found out that he was Ansem's second cousin's newphew's brother's third cousin, twice removed. He screamed. Then, by the Hollow Bastion's Under 21 Law, all children must remain with their relatives until 18 (Yes, I know. It said 21.). He was stuck with his legal guardian. Ansem forced him to be a taste-tester for his new brand of candy, Evil-Os. The candies were huge, in the shape of Heartless, had human insides inside of them, and didn't sell very well. Except to the wolves, that is.

Riku had experienced torture, fangirls, and baby pictures before, but nothing could have prepared him for this. The most vile things in the world were forced into his mouth, and he was made to swallow it. Strange things happened when he swallowed it.

Once he had eaten a strange green object in the shape of an Air Soldier, he threw up an exact clone of himself. He named him Fred. Another time he ate a pink-ish grey thing that looked like a Powerwild, and then little horns grew all over his feet, but disappeared in 2 hours. But the strangest thing happened when he ate the one that was transparent and tasted like plastic. As soon as it touched his mouth, he blacked out. Then he woke up to find himself in a bathrobe and Sephiroth and Ansem cowering in a corner, staring at him in fear.

Riku shook his head to clear him of the memories. Today he was going to be free! Ansem and Sephiroth are going to have to let him go because they valued their reputation over everything. He thought with a smirk, watch out world, here comes Riku.

* * *

You understand the title of this chapter? It has the tragedies of maniac depressants…. No? Oh well, at least I tried. And since this is my first KH fic, go easy. Next chappie: Vinnie learns about HP balls. 


	3. Hello Evil Demon Guy

I am going to actually reply to reviews. WOW.

attaasa: REALLY? YOU MEAN IT? YES! I AM FORGIVEN!… Well, ya see… everyone is supposed to be extra OOC. Except for Yuffie. Because this story is about HER.

Lack Thereof: Wh00t! I can't believe you said my fic was FREAKIN' AWESOME. I just thought this fic would be just another piece of litter in the almighty Kingdom Hearts FanFiction street!

Return-of-skeledude12: Yay! And I said I would include Zell! I will also give you free refills on your Evil-Os!

Now, to keep my promise, that I will write if two people review, I will write. –marks today down as a day that I actually kept a promise-

Oh by the way, this is at Traverse Town. NOT IN VINNIE'S MEMORY.

DISCLAIMER: If you sued me, you'll only get about… -counts change- 47 cents and a candy wrapper. But I don't own Square Enix anyways.

Chappie 3: Hello Evil Demon Guy!

In tRaVeRsE tOwN

Vinnie, wedged between Yuffie and a Defender leg, was not the happiest genetic mutation ever right now. He was weaponless with his life depending on a guy with the personalities of a reinforced-concrete wall and a Second-Rate teenage ninja. The sharp pointy tips of his claw poked his other eye, which had not been poked by Yuffie's conformer, and a demonic roar boomed out of his mouth. The pink-ish-red-ish eyes of his sparkled strangely, and then two gray, leathery wings popped out with a rip. His amazingly-pale-face-that-looked-like-he-never-ever-saw-the-sun-before face transformed into a demented one. Chaos was loose.

The monster roared and everybody stopped in his or her (or it's) tracks, wide-eyed with fear. That was the silence. Then came the noise. A heartless that bumped into the nearby lamp made it. All of a sudden, everybody was running for his or her (or it's) lives, even the heartless. Yuffie scrambled up the wall, running to the first district and into safety. Leon, who wasn't so lucky, simply collapsed on the ground and fainted. The heartless retreated to the shadows, and all the nearby citizens who were also placing bets on the battle ran to their houses, locking the ten locks on their houses with smoldering lead.

Chaos bellowed and stomped on the ground a few times. He powered up and then looked around for a monster to kill. The only thing he saw was a spider that was scrambling like he actually had a chance. A chance of a snowball in hell. Chaos squished it. Now the Spider was with the puddle of water that used to be a snowball. Chaos still had an immense amount of energy built up, and he had to get rid of it somehow. The first thing he saw was an unfortunate phone booth. He stepped into the phone booth and…

Farted.

Chaos now wondered why he was even here. There was no worthy opponent. There was no immensely heavy object he had to lift. There were no little children for him to scare. So Chaos scratched his head and walked casually for the nearest bar. Unfortunately, he just came to Traverse Town, AKA he had no idea where anything was. And it seemed that every time he tried to ask for directions, the people ran away from him.

So he went to the nearest newsstand, took a map of Traverse Town when the owner ran off screaming for mommy, and figured out how to get around. "Hmm… So… The bar is northwest from here, and the port-a-potty is in the other direction… How inconvenient…"

Meanwhile… Leon rubbed his head and woke up. After he saw the huge gray demon, he pretended to be unconscious again. Sadly enough, he was never very good at lying, so you could his breathing quicken and beads of sweat run down his forehead while he was trembling. His mind held on to a single thought as he twitched. Oh dear God, this is one of the few times I wish I was Yuffie…

Meanwhile… Yuffie ran to Cid's accessory shop. "CID! YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS! VINNIE IS BACK FROM THE DEAD! " She flailed her arms around as she told of the incident with the Defenders, and how Vincent turned into Chaos, and then how even the heartless ran away, and how Leon fainted and how she used her amazing ninja powers to escape.

Cid polished a Thundaga Chain as he listened to Yuffie ramble on and on. Probably lying. Once she had made up a story where Cloud had returned with a big black wing and wearing Vincent's cape. Like that will ever happen. She had also made one up about Sephiroth returning and fighting in the Coliseum. Yeah right. So as Cid listened to Yuffie, he rolled his eyes so much that he looked like he had a muscle problem.

"And so now he's running around in the Second District, doing oh so horrible things to the poor people- Hey, um, Cid… are your eyes alright?" How wrong she was. And I don't mean about Cid's eyes.

Meanwhile… Chaos sat on a bench with a pair of glasses and reading the paper. He discovered the bar was too noisy for his taste, and grabbed The Traverse Town Journal instead. As he read, he found some very interesting things in the gossip section. Like how Leon bites his fingernails, and that Aerith was actually possessed by an evil pink flower princess, and how the Moogles were planning a devious plan to overthrow Cid, etc.

"Ahhhh… yes… really? Hm, I never knew that." He made comments such as these when he read the articles, stroking his imaginary beard. A little boy that was no older than 5 came and bonked him on the head with an overly huge carnival lollipop.

"Heh heh… Big monsta thingy! I will destroy you, just like Cloud!" He hit Chaos on the head again.

"Do you mind little boy, go find your mommy or something, I'm trying to find out if Sora picks his nose!" Chaos shoved the little boy to the side.

The little boy fell on the ground and started sobbing. "WAHHHH! MOMMY! BIG MONSTA THINGY PUSH MEEEE!"

Meanwhile… Yuffie was jumping around on the Traverse Town rooftops, trying to find Vincent. Or Chaos. Whatever. As she passed the border between 1st District and 2nd District, she remembered the time Sora tried to fly from 1st District to 2nd District and was stopped by a weird invisible barrier of some kind, and dropped around 20 feet.

Yuffie shook herself. This was no time to be reminiscing on the good ole days, she thought as she pounced from one rooftop to another. Oh dearie me, where is Vinnie? She shielded her eyes from the imaginary sun and found Chaos on his knees and trying to comfort a toddler that was next to him.

Sadly enough, Yuffie did not have very good vision from hours of surfing the Internet, so her little brain got confuzzled and thought Chaos was attacking the poor little kid and rushed down to save him.

"YAGAYAGAYAGAYAGAYAGAYAGA!" A loud and annoying war cry streamed out of her mouth as one foot was stuck forward and a ninja star in each hand, ready to slice up the monster. As she zoomed down at Chaos, three thoughts slowly dissolved themselves into her slightly underdeveloped mind. 1) There was no way in heck she could beat Chaos. 2) The monster will probably brush her away like a fly. And 3) THIS IS VINNIE! IF CHAOS GETS HURT, SO DOES VINCENT! I HAVE TO STOP! Too late. Yuffie scrunched up her eyes and hoped for the best.

Chaos looked up and grabbed the obtruding leg. It was like a Popsicle stick, the top frozen and not moving. He tried licking it. Sadly enough, it was kinda salty tasting and it screamed. He dropped the Popsicle.

Yuffie screeched. "GAH! I THINK YOU JUST BROKE MY TAILBONE!" She landed on her rump and looked very red, obviously either from embarrassment, pain, or anger. Or all of them.

Chaos turned around, back to reading his paper. Yuffie stared at Chaos, not believing her eyes. She never knew the monster could read! Or even talk for that matter. Using a method she didn't use too often, she got to her feet.

"Hey Chaos, wanna play Go Fish? If I win, you turn back into Vincent. If you win, you get to… wander around Traverse Town forever!" Yuffie really hoped she would win. Even though that was very likely, she had never played against a 1000-year-old demon before.

Good thing Chaos said yes. He turned around and nodded while taking out a pack of cards from behind his back. The cards had little… red spatter marks that looked way too much like blood to be healthy. Yuffie backed away unconsciously.

The demon was the dealer, and what a dealer he was. The cards spattered into neat little piles, and he threw the remaining cards in the middle. Yuffie moaned. This was going to be a looooooong game…

1.25 hours later…

Yuffie was tired. This was just way too boring. Every time she asked for a card, he didn't have it. Every time he asked for a card, she didn't have it. Their card quantity gradually grew so huge that they had to put a portion behind their backs. Passersby walked a circle around them as to not disturb the extreme tension that was hovering around them.

2 hours later…

She raised her arms in to the air in victory, having finally defeated Chaos in Go Fish. Then she collapsed on the ground, and got a concussion from the cold unforgiving ground. Chaos sighed. He always kept a promise, so he transformed back to Vincent. The former monster shook himself, and saw Yuffie on the ground with a growing bump on her head. He dropped to his knees, and picked her up (Awww! -gets shot by Vincent- XX). Vincent then started sobbing. I did this… I put a little girl in danger… I have committed another Sin… I AM A MONSTER.

Meanwhile… Leon actually fell asleep, but now he woke up again. He saw Vinnie sobbing uncontrollably. The Gunblade wielder silently moved closer to Vincent, and then whacked him with his Gunblade again. Vincent fell to the ground, also with a concussion.

Leon looked around. He had thought some freak had transformed into Vincent and hit Yuffie on the head or something, but unfortunately, he was wrong. Yuffie was so going to kill him…

I'm sowwy this took so long. I'm also sowwy that Vinnie did not discover HP balls in this chappie, like I said he would. I'm sowwy for any grammar mistakes. I'm sowwy for any spelling mistakes. Yes, please throw rotten fruit at me.


	4. Vinnie Learns About HP Balls Pt1

Me: Sorry for long update, my few faithful readers… -counts- Well… Not many left, eh? ON WITH THE STORY!

Hyper works: Thankies very much! Your story is waaaay cooler though.

Return-of-Skeledude12: I'm going to abbreviate your name into RoS now. Or I'll call you Skele. And I don't have an antidote for the Evil-O yet. I have to ask Ansem why he named them Evil-Os in the first place though… I mean they're not even Os.

Garnetsamethyst: That's what I do. :)

DISCLAIMER: I'm saving up to buy Square-Enix.

' ': Thought

Chappie 4: Vincent Learns About HP Balls (Finally…) … PART 1!

* * *

As Leon ran to the First District doors with such agility he could outrun Sora in while in his Sonic Rave mode, Yuffie woke up to see Vinnie the Vamp on the stone pavement once again. The poor distressed ninja fell to her knees and tried to do CPR.

"No more pudding mommy…"

Vincent turned over and uttered such OOC language, that Square-Enix should sue me. The good part was that it saved him from Yuffie, who withdrew at the last second. She sighed. It was quite an oxymoron sigh, for she was relived and disappointed at the same time.

Carrying a six-feet guy with around fifty pounds of armor on, plus a jungle of not-so-frequently washed hair all the way back to First District was no mean feat. 'But for the Great Ninja Yuffie, nothing is impossible! Well, except for using good grammar… Now that's hard.' She quietly reflected on grammar for a few minutes, and then got back to hauling Mistah Vampy.

'Hmm… Where to pull? Lessee… Not the hands… I dun trust that claw… The hair? He might not like that. The cape! No, it's ripped enough already… Hair? I thought of that already… She pondered over where to drag him with, when suddenly she had an inspiration! 'Now, two ideas in a day! That's unusual for moi. First the Go Fish thingy, now this! Albeit the Go Fish thingy wasn't a very good idea, it was a spur of the moment thing.' Back to the subject. The ninja skipped over to the nearest shop and "borrowed" a piece of rope. 'My plan is flawless! AllI have to do was tie the rope on Vincent and drag.' And that's exactly what she did.

"HEAVE! 1,2,3, HEAVE! 1,2,3, HEAVE! 1,2,3 HEAVE! MAN! I AM SO GOING TO THROTTLE THE PERSON WHO KNOCKED OUT VINNIE! They made me do work… Deh Great Ninja Yuffie never does work! She sits and plans! Working is for the sort of people like Leon! I mean Squallie! Whatever! Speaking of him… Where the pudding-skin is he? GAH! Did I just say pudding-skin? I hate Square-Enix's new cursing block system…" Then, Yuffie realized that she should be saving her breath for hauling Vincent, for the half-vamp moved about half an inch in total.

"That's it! I'm getting a moving van!" The Greatest Female Ninja ever went to dial the Moogle Moving Experts at the nearest phone booth, and to her bad luck, it was the one Chaos farted in. You have to feel sorry for Yuffums; for a Demon fart smells ten times worse that regular farts. So, as she opened up the door, gagging noises were heard from inside the phone booth. But hey, she was desperate. "OH MY FRIGGIN GAWD! MY EYES!" Good thing Aerith always told her to keep a gas mask in her pocket, or she would have choked and died. Her fingers quickly dialed 1-800-MOO-GLES. They were the Moogle Industry. Quite like Shin-Ra, only ran by Moogles. It was getting old fight corrupt, power-crazed companies, and they weren't doing any harm. Amazingly enough, they had a moving branch. Mebbe that's why Yuffie didn't try to destroy them. Either that or they gave out free ice cream on Sundays.

At ThE mOoGlE cOmPaNy

"OMFG!1!one!1 /$ +7 d4 f03? L()LZ y 3 5/303 937 747 f03!1!" One of the Moogles screamed in perfect illiterate chat speak. All those commercials had really paid off. The boss was holding a party at his house, for in eleven years, someone had actually called them.

One of the more educated in speech Moogles picked up the phone.

"Hello kupo?"

A weird rasping voice came out of the other end. It was Yuffie wearing a gas mask. Aerith had been too cheap to buy the nice ones, and so the flower girl went to a dollar store to get them. Yuffie asked, "Can I get a couple of Moogle Movers to the Second District? I need to get a six-foot genetic mutation that wears a lot of metal to the Hotel."

The poor Moogle wasn't very bright. "GAH! IT'S DARTH VADER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!…KUPO!"

Yuffie hastened to explain. "No! No! This is Yuffie Kisaragi wearing a gas mask! I need to haul my friend to the Hotel! That's all!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight kupo."

"No really!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight kupo."

"…" Yuffie hung up.

Yuffie had to take desperate measures. That meant having to drag Vinnie by a hand or foot. Our favorite little ninja was in thought again… 'But that would be as useful as the rope…" So our favorite little ninja had another stroke of brilliancy. It was a huge blow to her pride, dignity, and ego calling someone for help. 'Hopefully Vincent wouldn't get eaten by sharks or something if I left for awhile…'

Meanwhile… Cloud was happy. He got a job as LACKEY (Ya know, "SOLDIER"? –wink-) for Moogle Corp. It paid well, allowed him two days off every five years, and gave out free ice cream on Sundays. He walked down to the Second District and thought with pride, 'Ah yes, the shoes… The most important part of anyone's attire is the shoes… So I need to give a good impression on my first day, eh? Maybe a pair of boots… No, SNEAKERS! Nah… Le Gaspe! SANDLES! Yes! That's it!" As he walked in and purchased the shoes, he narrowly missed Yuffie running past the shop in search for him.

At ThE tRaVeRsE tOwN mAlL

Aerith was at the newly built Traverse Town Mall, and squealing like a piglet. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, OH MY GOSH! Like, these hair bows are the hair bows of my dreams! They're PINK and FRILLY! I'll, like, take them all!"

The cashier groaned and picked up each of the fifty-two hair bows with a limp hand while a magenta ribbon was in a corner dazzling the flower girl. Sadly enough, YufYuf just ran past the store, in search or Aerith.

At ThE sMaLl HoUsE

Leon hid in a dark corner of the Small House, behind the boxes. He rocked himself back and forth, slowly mumbling comforting words to himself, "Yuffie is never going to find you here…Noooo…She's too stupid to come here…Yesss…" And oh the irony, it was at that moment Yuffie burst through the door, and the clash of Sora's Thundara added to the effect.

"I KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE SOMEWHERE SQUALLIE! SURRENDER NOW AND MAYBE I WON'T KILL YOU!" roared Yuffie as she kicked over boxes in search of Leon.

The sudden screaming of Leon in a little girl-ish tone revealed the Gunblade Wielder's true location. He quickly covered his mouth and made a run for it out the window. Luckily for Yuffie, the windows were made out of reinforced rubber, so our poor Leon bounced back five feet as soon as his screaming head touched the, eh, "window".

The Great Ninja Yuffie walked over to the quivering Leon and said straight to his face, "Ya know, your life is spared by your temporary God. It's because partly because I need you to haul Vincent to the Hotel, partly because you just provided excellent comic relief, and partly because you look really pathetic right now. C'mon, we need to check if Vin is alive." And with a wave of her hand, she walked out the door with Leon following like a terrified dog.

Meanwhile… Vincent woke up with a booming headache. He groaned as he sat up, wondering what he was doing on the ground. Then again, he wondered about who was this "he", for our dear little gunman has amnesia. Vincent looked about him, and observed his surroundings.

The Heartless took note of Vinnie being confused, and a few of the bold ones stepped out to confront him. Unfortunately for the Heartless, he still had instinct, so a gun flew out before you can say, "Your Inner Eyeball is da bomb and you should pray to her and worship her and shower her with furniture and then pay her medical bills." The poor critters of the night never had a chance.

As the remains of the Heartless poofed, there lied the remaining HP Balls we love and adore. The failed experiment looked over the HP Balls, and then not knowing what to do, poked one gently. They wobbled. He took one in his hand and tasted it, and his imaginary HP meter went max. 'So… this is some kind of steroid…' Right after he had thought that, he stiffened like a board and froze up. For the third time today, he was knocked out.

* * *

I am really really really really really really really really sorry for not writing. Really. So, I will start a mini-series inside this fanfic. It's pointless. Really short too. Ok? And will be made from the top of my head.

Mini Story: Date-A-Bishie!

* * *

Ansem: Hello, and welcome to Date-A-Bishie! I need more money to buy human guinea pigs for my Evil-Os, so here it is! Two contestants will fight verbally (because I don't wanna pay for medical bills, I'm poor enough) in a boxing ring to beat the shit out of the other one! And then the Bishie of the Day will chose the one he likes best. Today's contestants… Kairi and Aerith! The Bishie of the Day… CLOUD!

everyone claps-

Aerith: Kairi… -glares-

Kairi: Aerith… -glares back-

Cloud: I'll just stay out of this.

Aerith: Just to warn you, I am trained in the most powerful of insults, the origin of all languages, MONKEY JABBER! (-coughs- Erm, a little Monkey Island 4 here…)

Kairi: It suits your look.

Aerith: YO MOMMA!

Kairi: …

Aerith: Since you've obviously had no luck with Sora, you invade my property and try to steal Cloud? Slut.

Kairi: Excuse moi? He was never yours to begin with, he was Tifa's!

Cloud: Actually-

Aerith: HA! SEE? He said actually. That meant Tifa was nothing but a pathetic little wannabe!

Kairi: Well, we all know Jenova is your great great great great great great great… -5 min later- …great great grandmother's sister!

Aerith: LE GASPE? HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?

Kairi: Ha! See Cloud? Aerith is related to Jenova!

Cloud: I always thought Jenova was hot.

Kairi: …I don't think I want to date you anymore… I resign Mr. Ansem…

Ansem: And so the Flower Girl wins! Tune in next time!

Sephiroth crashes through the ceiling and laughed manically and summons Knights of the Round Materia-

Knights: -smashes studio into pieces-

Ansem: …

* * *

Well. That's done. Ansem needs money to pay for repairs for the studio, so he's writing on the back of reviews as IOUs. You better review! Or Evil-Os is going to be out of business. 


	5. Le Blah

After a little over a month of not updating, the Almighty Eyeball has gotten her disturbing-ness back. Go moi.

Lack Thereof: The Moogle was impulse. :)

RoS: That's the nickname! Hi. Ansem is now back in business and having a party in your honor. :D

Disclaimer: This story wouldn't be in if I owned it, right?

P.S. This chappie is about what happed to everyone, and has no point whatsoever.

P.S.S. Ansem now runs the mini-series. And he promises the format would be nicer.

P.S.S.S. The Turtle is brought to you by The Rabid Plastic Hammies From Across The Street.

Chappie 5: Le Blah

* * *

"How the hell did he get away?" A tonberry then zapped him with an electrocuted knife. "F!" A tonberry then zapped him really hard with an electrocuted knife.

"…tell me again WHY this tonberry wants to kill me?" He pointed at the tonberry.

"Because he's a hit man hired by SquareEnix to watch your mouth, Oh Dear Cousin Sephiroth."

"I told you to stop with the 'Dear's you…" He looked nervously at the tonberry, who was getting ready to attack. "…moron." He got zapped anyways.

"Yes Dear Cousin Sephiroth."

"…You deserve to have your privates removed with a spork."

Ansem stepped in, (no, the other guy was not Ansem.) struck a pose, and said, "Poor spork."

"I know."

Ansem turned and struck a pose. "I will be at the princess' house."

"Why?" Sephiroth's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"I'm their new model." He looked smug, and cross his arms.

"Oh dear God, why did I ask? WHY DID I ASK?" Sephiroth sighed and sat in a chair stuffed with chocobo feathers. "Clone number 152, go fetch me something strong for me to get drunk on."

"Yes Dear Cousin Sephiroth." The clone skipped off into the kitchen, humming what seemed like "Mark had a little lamb"

* * *

Riku currently was navigating the treacherous swamps of Shrek.

"This way to the ogre… Ooo, I like that sign! It's all pretty with pink flying unicorns all over!" He skipped off to find the ogre and borrow some matches from him.

"I'm off to see the ogre, the wonderful ogre of the swamp!'

Riku was happyish. He got rid of Ansem and Sephiroth, he humiliated them beyond what's possible, and he found a nice swamp to relax and start working on his world domination plan.

The silver-haired bishi (not Sephiroth you twit.) sat down by a rotting oak tree filled with termites and took out his drawing notebook. He looked out to the birds damaging public property, the squirrels plotting, and the stream being laid with pollutants and sighed with contentment. Then he drew what the place would look like after he was done with it.

A shuffle in the trees distracted him from his lovely sketch of squirrel pelts hanging from the uppermost branches to dry. A tie-dyed turtle jumped out the trees wearing a kilt and wooden gloves. "Bonjour monsieur…" whispered the turtle in a deadly tone. The turtle whipped out a shotgun and pointed it at Riku.

Riku blinked a few times. "Wait, isn't that the long lost language, what was it again, French? (no offence to French people.)" He whipped out his Batwing in the same fashion the turtle took out his gun, and both got ready for a showdown. Somewhere out there, the classic western song where an-important-dude-steps-into-town played. Then when the camera did a 360 degree turn, both had cowboy clothes on.

Riku narrowed his eyes and whispered in perfect western accent, "This swamp isn't big enough for the both of us…" The both took the hint, raised their guns and fired!

* * *

"Squallie! Hand over the munchies! I love westerns! And turtles! C'mon, stop hogging all the popcorn!" Leon and Yuffie sat/lied on their couch, staring intently at the TV screen while bickering at the same time. Amazing.

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"PLEASE?"

"No."

"Pretty please with cherrIES on top?"

"No."

"Really Squallie, what did I do to deserve this?"

"More that you would ever know."

"…"

* * *

Cloud hop-skippitied into the kitchen, where Aerith was making a Wyvern for dinner.

"What's cookin'? Do I smell buffalo wings?"

"You can say that."

"Err… ookay… Speaking of food, have you noticed your cooking skills have really gone down? I mean, for example, that chicken thing you're cooking there smells like Heartless."

"I've noticed."

"Sooo… okay…"

* * *

Ansem put on the purple dress and stepped out of the dressing room, finding himself a little too close to seven eager faces clambering to see how he looked.

"Wow, his hair brings out the best part!"

"Are you kidding me? It's all about the eyes! Look at his, they're GOLDEN."

"No no, it's his skin tone, the tan does WONDERS."

"Can't be true, his dark aura gives everything a finishing touch!"

"But I know we all agree on one thing, HE'S PERFECT!"

"LET'S GLOMP HIM!"

All the now giggling princesses crowded around him, and Ansem's orange eyes widened in horror. He turned and fled out the back door, coincidentally bumping into a very drunk Sephiroth wobbling home.

Ansem fell flat on the ground while Sephiroth only looked a bit dazed. Ansem was trying to get his wits back together without much success until he heard the next words Sephiroth said.

"Hey baby, where have you been all my life?"

Poor Ansem looked like he was about to cry. Then he ran off into the darkness, shouting words incomprehensible to the human ear.

* * *

Well how was that? I think I did pretty well. And there will be no mini-series this time, Ansem is too distressed, right Ansem?

Ansem: -nods timidly-


	6. Vinnie Learns About HP Balls Pt2

-ish so happy- I gots 3 reviews! And really fast too. From now on, I will use random words as Horizontal Bars. And by the way, please think of another summary! I like to eat cow ankles better than the current summary…

DISCLAIMER: Ya know, I think people would be smart enough by now to figure out that I don't own anything Square owns, for that would be cross-owning. O.0 And Wizard of Oz belongs to whoever owns it. And Beanie Babies too. Or whatever else I mention.

Skele: He's relatively better.

Lack Thereof: Yeah… Heh… Sorry about the update thing…

Yllom21: That's what I thought too! Thankyee!

Chappie 6: Vinnie Learns About HP Balls Part 2!

SUPERPICKLESUPERPICKLESUPERPICKLESUPERPICKLESUPERPICKLE

Leon and Yuffie were heading towards Vincent sprawled on the pavement, well not sprawled, for it is impossible for Vincent to sprawl. More like gracefully lying on the ground. So, the Dynamic Duo, defying all matter of time and space, were heading towards Vincent while in another dimension, somewhere, they were watching a western involving Riku and a hippie turtle.

"Squallie, you check for any signs of life and I will go and… do something… important… yeah that's it." Yuffie cringed, for that was probably the worst lie she had ever made up.

"Okay Yuffie, do whatever you have to do. I'll try and get Vincent back." Leon sat happily beside Vincent and started prodding him with his Gunblade.

The ninja stared at Leon in amazement. 'Is he high?' She shook her head sadly and ran off to find the enslaved chocobos she smuggled from Hollow Bastion.

NOODLESNOODLESNOODLESNOODLESNOODLESNOODLES

She kicked open the secret underground cave trapdoor that was in a well. A girl dressed all in white and with long, dripping and black hair climbed up. Her eyes were rolled to the back of her head, and she was crawling slowly to Yuffie.

"Seven days…"

"Okay Samara, your shift is over. You mind calling in Jason?"

The girl stood up, dusted herself off, put on a pink glittery clip, and said in a girly high-pitched tone, "But, like, he's off on a skiing trip, you want me to call in his sub?"

"Er, yeah, you do that." Yuffie furrowed her brows, for Samara was acting girlier than her usual self. The ninja jumped in the trapdoor, right into the voices of starved chocobos, crying piteously to be fed. Too bad she wasn't going to feed them. If Squallie ever remembers, and maybe if he feels like it, and if he manages to get past the guards, then he'll feed them, Yuffie mused to herself. She was untying the strongest chocobo's rope, leading it on a ramp and out of a secret entrance hidden carefully behind a pile of paperclips.

RAMENRAMENRAMENRAMENRAMENRAMENRAMENRAMENRAMEN

Ansem was sitting in the weird sofa/bed thingy, looking very petrified and twitchy. A psychiatrist was staring at Ansem in a sympathetic way, holding a clipboard. She sighed and patted Ansem on the head as if he was her pet cat.

"Meow."

"Now Ansem dear, tell me how this all started to happen."

"I think it all started when I was four… I saw my first beauty pageant then… I wanted to be just like them, for they were so pretty." He looked remorseful. "I wanted to be pretty." Then he looked miserable. "Two years after that, everybody thought I was gay-"

"Use homosexual dearie."

"Homosexual because I followed Cloud around like he was god. And since everybody else thought Cloud was ga- er, homosexual, I got stuck with the title too." Ansem sniffed.

Two hours later…

"And so I started trying to grow my hair out like Sephiroth's, but it never billowed impressively in the wind like his or billowed without any wind at all… and then I realized that I was his clone and Hojo made me… so I went mad because my natural tan doesn't look all that awesome with my white hair… I was trying to make a pigment changer but I made a Heartless creator instead… Then when I finally joined a group to help me get over my depression everyone there thought I was a girl… so I joined up with Sephiroth and tried to find a purpose in life where I could help people… and when I found my dream job to be a model it was to dress up like a girl… but I could take that, so I did it anyways… then all these princesses attacked me and tried to glomp me… when I ran out my best friend Sephiroth thought I was a girl… and he tried to hit on me… with cheesy lines!"

"Poor thing. Here, take some of this. Cures everything." She handed Ansem a bottle of what looked like the world's most disgusting stuff.

"…What's this…?"

"Aunt Yuffie's Cheer-Ya-Up medicine. Do not use if you are allergic to chocobo feet. Does not work on Leons."

OMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFGOMFG

A bullet wizzed past Riku's silver-shiny-glimmery hair, and Riku gasped. He quickly grabbed he piece of hair the bullet wizzed by, and his jaw dropped in horror.

"You… you… YOU SPLIT THE ENDS! YOU SHALL PAY!" Riku turned into a werewolf thingy with silver-shiny-glimmery hair and howled to the sky in a fit of anger and… more anger.

"AWWOOOGAA!" He ran like there was a mob of fangirls after him at the Turtle, leapt into the air, and was about to crush the Turtle under five tons of hair when the unthinkable happened. Riku stopped in midair and sighed.

"Crap, we ran out of funding… They don't want me to become a werewolf… they want a Wizard of Oz parody. Eh well. No matter. Who are you anyways Turtle?" Riku slowly transformed back into Riku and scratched his head.

The turtle dropped his stuff and sniffed. "Actually. I'm not French. Or Irish. And I've never even seen Holland. I'm a Beanie Baby reject. But one day, I want to take over the world. Nothing too big. I just want my own planet to rule, is that so much? But no, the men in the white coats took me to a mental asylum. Why? I have done nothing wrong! The world is cruel, the world is cruel." The Turtle dropped everything he owned on the ground and sat on a nearby rock. He sighed piteously and started crying his little turtle heart out.

Riku meanwhile was crouching near the turtle and dabbing at the corners of his eyes with a handkerchief. "That was the saddest story I've ever heard… How about you come with me and we can go see the Ogre together?"

The Turtle looked up in amazement. "You actually fell for-er, I mean, really?" He stood up, pulled out his dagger, and cried tears of joy while jumping into Riku's arms and sobbing hysterically. Riku patted him on the back happily for a moment or two, and then his eyes widened in surprise as the turtle plunged a dagger into his back.

The Turtle climbed out, and looked at Riku lying on his back, in a pool of blood. He tutted and then flipped Riku over, taking his backpack with everything Riku owned in it. Then the reptile took one last look at the body and took off to mug another unwary traveler.

OHHOWCOULDRIKUDIEBUTHE'SNOTREALLYDEADDUNDUNDUN

Leon sat next to a sleeping Vincent and braided daises into a crown while telling how he once mauled a beaver when he was twelve. The Gunblade wielder hummed a little tune and waited patiently with a smile on his face for Yuffie to get back.

"Lalalalala, you know, I just realized Yuffie is the coolest dudet in Traverse Town! Isn't that nice? She's a ninja! That's so cool!" Leon clapped his hands together like he was seven in glee. Then he stood up and skipped off to get more daisies to drape over Vincent. As Leon hummed and pulled the daisies from various cracks from the stone ground, Vincent was having a particularly strange dream.

In DrEaM

Vincent suddenly appeared in a classroom where a blob of stuff that somewhat resembled a human was talking in a nasally voice. Random equations were written on the board and a little string of blob snaked out of the main blob to point at a few numbers. The students were obviously not listening as they were all huddled around a table looking at something. Vincent stood up and craned his neck to look, and found that they were looking at a chicken egg.

Suddenly, the egg started to crack, and everyone shut up at once. First with tiny little cracks that can barely be seen at all, then those cracks grew at a rapid rate and the egg started rocking back and forth. After about two minutes of staring at the egg moving around, the shell opened to reveal an itsy-bitsy HP ball. It opened its eyes and glared at Vincent. He suddenly felt afraid, very afraid. Vincent ran for his life out the door, but the HP ball shot out like a bullet and hit Vincent on the back of his head, (Now how many hits was that?) knocking him to the floor, and this time, he died. Then his spirit rose out of his body, and tried to go to the Great Beyond. Sadly, the gates had a piece of paper pinned on it saying, "If you are part human, beyond human, not human, undead, demonic, evil, vile, bad, etc. take the door on the left."

Vincent turned to the left and saw what heck looked like. In the same place where the last piece of paper was there was also a piece of paper, only it said, "Now hiring!" Vinnie fell to his knees and put a hand to his forehead dramatically. "Noooo! I have sinned! I must repent!" And there he stayed weeping until Hojo tripped over him on his way to the Underworld.

"Nice to see you again Vincent!" Hojo nodded pleasantly and drifted into the gates of heck.

Vincent stopped in mid-sob and got up, staring after Hojo in a very unVincent-like fashion. He stood there for quite a while until the gatekeepers told him to get on with it.

One of them skipped over and started yelling in his ear, "HEY VINNIE! I GOT THE TRANSPORTATION!"

OuTsIdE oF vInCeNt'S dReAm

"YO VINNIE!" Yuffie screamed in Vincent's poor abused ears with the loudspeaker she borrowed from Cloud. After a few seconds of not getting a response, she banged Vincent's head a few times with the loudspeaker. "Get up! I'm sure Cloud would be mad if he saw his precious loudspeaker that had been with him for four chapters was broken by your head!"

Leon stood innocently behind the crouching Yuffie with his hands behind him and clutching a daisy. "You understand technically you're the individual who is to blame for mutilating Cloud's loudspeaker, right?"

Yuffie dramatically turned around with a scowl so… scowly… that even in Leon's not OOC days it would have been considered a rival for him. "Squall. Stop. Using. Big. Words. I can't understand you." Then she slowly turned back to Vincent and started poking him with a twig. Leon shrugged and went back to leaning on the wall and watching Yuffie.

Vincent suddenly groaned and opened one of his eyes, only to see Yuffie hovering over him and hitting him on the head with a loudspeaker. He suddenly wished he died during his sleep. "Yuffie! Stop! I'm awake!" He sat up and put his hands out for defense as Yuffie got even angrier and started whacking him harder.

"This is for you not waking up for ten minutes! And this is for… you not waking up for ten minutes! Arrrrgh!" Yuffie had a mad look in her eyes as she seemed to grow bigger and more Sephiroth-like before their very eyes.

Everyone gasped. "GASP!" Leon had a horrified look in his face and tried to find a corner to hide in, and Vincent narrowed his eyes and suddenly started changing into Chaos.

"ROAR!" Chaos growled and Leon felt a shudder.

"ROAR!" Yuffie growled and the residents of Traverse Town felt a shudder.

"ROAR!" Chaos growled and all the little children in Traverse cried.

"ROAR!" Yuffie growled and the ground trembled.

"ROAR!" Chaos growled and the ground trembled violently.

"ROOOOAR!" Yuffie unleashed terrifying roar and all the worlds shuddered.

Chaos made little whining sounds and ran away on all fours while Yuffie laughed a demonic Sephiroth laugh (OF DOOM!).

Leon gasped again. "GASP! I've got to stop her! I have to make her nice again… What makes her nice? I know!" Then Leon reached into his pocket and brought out the secret-est secret, his secret weapon to use on a Yuffie on the rampage. "CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM POWER!"

A bright light shown behind him as he put one foot on a rock and held the ice cream up into the air. The chocolate ice cream's lid popped open and Leon popped the container onto his head and out from the container came out chocolate tentacles that wrapped Leon in its chocolate goodness. Then out of nowhere a chocolate ice cream armor grew out of the tentacles and became… a chocolate ice cream gundam!

Yuffie immediately turned around and did a double take. Saliva dripped out of her mouth as she gazed upon her idea of heaven. "COME TO ME!" She rushed at Leon in a blur and started licking the gundam's arm. The ninja suddenly relaxed and turned back into normal-not-Sephiroth Yuffie.

"That was cool." Yuffie commented.

"Aha. Not for me. I had to watch you lick chocolate ice cream. Considering what your not-crazed eating looks like, you can imagine the torture I had to go through." Leon narrowed his eyes and shook his head in disgust. He then jumped out and grabbed Yuffie's arm and ran to the alleyway that Chaos ran to.

"Eh, where we going?"

"Look at the last sentence."

"Oh."

As they turned a corner, Leon almost tripped over the huddled form of Vincent. He snapped out of a trance and saw Yuffie looking questioningly at him. "AHH! NOOO! Stay away from me!"

"Um, Vinnie? I'm normal again."

"Ah."

"Can you come back to The Small House now?" Yuffie asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"Yuffie, why are you capitalizing that?" Leon screwed up his face.

"Dunno. So, Vinnie, you coming or not? And while we're walking back I can explain about the HP balls." Vincent nodded and got up, following Leon and Yuffie back to the small house.

Vincent looked puzzled. "How did you know that I wanted to know about HP balls?"

"I have my sources."

"…"

"Anyways, HP balls heals you after you destroy enemies. The yellow ones give you munny to-"

"Don't you mean gil?"

"No. I mean munny. It's the currency in this dimension. Square wasn't feeling very creative at the time. Oh! And the bubbles give you more MP."

"What's MP?"

"Okay, I shall tell you something that is horrifying. There is no more Materia. So now we learn spells and each spell costs MP."

Vincent's eyes literally sparkled. "Really? Now my magic is safe! Thank you almighty SquareEnix!"

Yuffie sniffed loudly.

"So that's it?"

"Yep. Now we have to meet Sora."

"What?"

"We have to meet Sora."

"How did you know? Did he call you or something?"

"Nope. Though I have my sources."

WELLTHATWASKINDABORINGDONTYATHINKAREALANITCLIMAXHAHA

Ansem's Marvelous Mini-Series!

Hello, this is Ansem! I have come to the site of Third District to stalk-er, "film" what had happened after this little episode! Let's find out!

Well, there's Leon, Yuffie, and Vincent sitting on stools. Now what can they be talking about to pass the time? Hmm…

"Hey Leon, you noticed explaining HP balls only took about a page, yet the author expanded it into two parts?"

"Yes. She's the master of procrastination."

"How do you know?"

"I read her diary."

"You WHAT?"

"I read her diary."

"…"

HOLYCRAPALITTLEMORETHANSEVENPAGESBUTSADLYINTWOMONTH


	7. Sora's House Party

It's moi again, with the Disturbing Adventures of Yuffie Kisaragi chappie seven! Never thought I would get this far…

DishClaimah: I WANT ALL YOUR DISHES!. Sorry. I don't own anything in this chapter. I don't even own the plot, for there is no plot.

Lack Thereof: Yep! I took two months to write this because I can only have insanity like that when I eat month-old deli meat during the early hours of the morning. 3am, that is.

Skele: Yay you changed your name! Easier typing for me! Zell is in this chapter, only as a minor character though.

EVERYBODYDANCENOWEVERYBODYDANCENOWEVERYBODYDANCENOW

Chappie 7: Sora's House Party

Leon, Yuffie, and Vinnie sat cross-legged next to the entrance of The Small House (as Yuffie called it) on three-legged stools, waiting patiently for Sora to arrive.

"You think 'the source' as you call it was wrong Yuf?"

"No way Squallie, I know for a fact that Sora is coming today. I mean, just look at the title of this chapter… It includes the word Sora right?"

"Maybe… but what about the 'house party' part? What do you think Vincent?"

"…"

"Perhaps…"

"…."

"You don't say?"

"…., ……."

"No!"

"……?"

"Now we're doomed…"

"Er, Squallie, how the heck can you understand Vinnie there? He's speaking dots for Heaven's sake!" She pointed at Vincent warily like he was some fatal disease. Vincent looked back with the most innocent look he can muster, not accomplishing much because, ah, of him.

"Yep, and I speak dots too. You have to learn by experience, and it took me YEARS to learn it. That was why I ignored you most of the time."

Yuffie's eyes sparkled with hope that Leon might not despise her with all his might and he simply ignored her because he was too busy practicing the dot language, and just didn't noticed her.

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh." The sparkle in her eyes was replaced by the previous look of boredom in half a nanosecond.

After a few minutes everything died down again and they kept on waiting. Each second was torture to Yuffie and bliss to Vincent. Just when Yuffie was about to explode and drench the other two in her intestines, a familiar pair of shoes walked into Third District.

Yuffie jumped up and leaned over the side to get a better view of the person. She squealed and called to the other two, "He's here!"

"You sure that's him?"

"Yep, though I only saw the shoes. They were big and yellow."

"Well, that's as good as seeing him."

Sora marched up the stairs and waved cheerfully, smiling a classic Sora grin. Then he saw Vincent and he stared.

"Hi guys! I see now you've included vampires in your little group? Who's he?"

"Sora, this is Vinnie Valentine. Vinnie, this is Sora. Tell the other about yourself."

"Hiya Vinnie! I come from a land far away named Destiny Islands. It's also your perfect spot for you and your family to vacation. Eat at our four-star restaurant where you can find every tropical food that is grown on the island, including our island's specialty, fried coconuts. Enjoy the sun, surf, and our own little Arena of teens wanting to murder each other! Every night we have a tiki party with Heartlesses with grass skirts, dancing the night away. Shop at our mall, filled with the latest styles in the Kingdom Hearts universe, all the way from MC Hammer pants to little green halter-tops that barely covers anything. Destiny Islands, a little bit of everything."

An awkward silence smothered everything in sight. The grin on Sora's face twitched and faltered. Yuffie opened her mouth and was about to say something, then she decided against it and crawled away into a corner to wonder.

"Uhh… how about your life story Vinnie?"

"… …….!" Vincent stood up and glared at Sora with his arms slightly raised, but not a sound peeped out of him. If looks can kill, Sore would have been foaming at the mouth by now. Sadly, they didn't. So Sora just backed away slowly and waved his hands apologetically and muttered something incoherent.

Vincent sat down again on the stool. "…. . … …, .. … …. … . … .. …… . … ………… …. .. ……, … …. ……….., . … …. ……. … … . … ….. …. ….. .. .. .. … … ….. … … …, .. . …. …… .. … …. ……. ….. . … …… .. … ……. …… .. .. …. … …… .. .. .. . ……. …."

"Wow! Cool! So that's where vampires come from! I never knew…" Sora sat on the wall and did something he didn't do very often: he started to think.

While everyone was gaping at the Keyblade Master's newfound ability, Yuffie was having hysterics. "Why does everyone understand dot except for me?" Why?" She stood rooted to the ground and stretched her hands in the air and screamed, "WHY GOD? WHY?"

A loud booming that was strangely familiar rung through Traverse Town. "Because you hit me in the face in the northern crater, that's why. And it hurt… I now have a scar on my beautiful face! So now everyone calls me a Squall wannabe! And it's your fault! Now go away before I cast sin harvest on you…" Loud sniffing noises came from the sky. Yuffie stood there; quite stunned by the fact Sephiroth had achieved God-dom, and that he had bothered to listen to her.

The others had been staring blankly at Yuffie for some time now, and they all suddenly snapped out of it. Sora twiddled with his thumbs as he looked to the side and rocked back and forth on his shoes.

"Sooo… Um guys… can me and a few friends have a little get-together at your house? Because you know… I don't really have a house and all… so please?" Sora stared at Leon with big Sora eyes, which are much more convincing than puppy dog eyes, because Sora knew how to put his hands together in a pleading form and get down to his knees, plus the classic pouting and looking pathetic.

Leon was very uncomfortable with Sora staring at him like that. "Er… sure… just promise you won't look at me like that again… ever… please… it's rather scary." Leon inched his stool slowly backwards.

Sora seemed to sparkle with joy before their very eyes. "M'kay! Hey guys! We can come in now! Make yourselves at homes and party until Leon's head explodes from the migraine he's going to get, then you have to help me clean up the mess."

A huge crowd of Disney characters and Final Fantasy characters and Kingdom Hearts characters seemed to slide in from nowhere. Plus me! The author! Yay for self-invitations! Hey! Yuffie! Gimme back my keyboard! It's mine! No you can't be the author! I'm the author! What do ya mean I've been an irresponsible writer? Can't I invite myself? Fine… But you owe me BIG. And I say BIG.

YUFFIEPOV

I grabbed the keyboard from the author and suddenly had a wonderful idea to whack them all on the head with it. It will knock some sense into their noggins, and plus it's fun! I watched as the house got jammed up with people and it was pretty hard to move. After all, the house was only about 10 x 16 feet. But the funny part was that the house suddenly got an expansion or something because we just got a kitchen, 2 bedrooms, a bathroom (now that's useful.), and a bigger living room. Well, at least she did SOMETHING useful.

Squall is over there talking to a guy with a tattoo on his right cheek and blonde hair that seemed to use the same hair gel used by Cloud and Sora. It was rather strange since this person had two hotdogs in his mouth, three in each hand, and about twenty in his arms. No wonder Squall is staring at him.

The author was over there getting drunk- wait! The author is underage! I must stop her! Super Yuffie to the rescuuuue! Do do do dooo! So I sauntered right over to her and asked in a cutesy voice,

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Drinking…"

"That wouldn't be beer, would it?"

The author was still sober enough to realize I realized that it was beer and desperately tried to cover it up. "N-no, of course not! It's… Ginger Ale! Yeah!"

I pretended I kinda believed her and sniffed the beer. I tasted the beer. I examined the beer. "It smells like beer. It tastes like beer. It looks like beer. So it must be beer! You know you can't drink beer. Baaad author. BAAAD AUTHOR!" I pulled out my ninja star in a flash and held it against the author's throat. She gulped.

"It's not beer! It's… uh… the new type of Ginger Beer they same up with! It's completely non-alcoholic! And it smells the same, tastes the same, and looks the same! And it's Ginger Beer! So I can drink this!" The author seemed to be satisfied with her answer, so she was looking very smug. This only pissed me off further. I narrowed my eyes and pushed the ninja star closer to her throat.

"Tell me you won't do it again."

"I-I won't do it again… I promise…"

"Good."

I left her still trying to get over the traumatic experience she just went through, and tried to find others who were being less mature than me. I didn't have to look very far. Hades was burning the words, "Hades was here" into the wall, the Lost Boys were poking Vincent with a stick and getting him very annoyed, so annoyed that his eyebrows were twitching to an extent where if they were any more twitchy they would be disappeared into his hair. Squall was shaking on the ground due to the mother of all migraines he was getting, and most of the rest were playing Spin-the-Bottle. It was up to me, Super Yuffie, to save the day! And my house.

First was Hades. Wasn't too hard, all I had to do was kick him in the place where it hurt and move on. Vincent was a bit harder. The Lost Boys were climbing all over Vincent and pulling his hair and poking his claw, so no doubt he wasn't the happiest creature ever. The Lost Boys seemed to invite the author, who was drooling after Vincent, and successfully creeping out the master of all creepy-ness, AKA Vincent. He was plodding towards me wearing the most pathetic look I had ever seen, surpassing even the Sora look.

"Yuffie, PLEASE get these demons from hell far, far, away from me. FAR away."

Sensing the opportunity to get perfect revenge and a lifetime's worth of blackmail pictures, I seemed to ponder over the difficulty of the situation. "Hmm… It'll be hard…"

Vincent was desperate. "Name your price."

I smirked. "You will be my servant for a month. No, not servant, my pet dog! I've always wanted a puppy." I faked a dreamy look into the sky.

"No."

I turned around and started to leave and said a few words of encouragement to Vinnie. "Well, okay then, just know you had a chance to live when the author glomps you!" Three… two… one…

"Wait, Yuffie!"

I turned around and looked at Vincent with the most innocent look I can muster. "Hmm?"

It came out as the softest mumble in the history of mumbles, but my keen ears caught it. "…I'll do it…"

I tried to look genuinely surprised and then held out a bag of candy to the Lost Boys. "Free candy!" They scampered off of Vinnie at once and rushed to the candy. I then held out a pile of hats. "Free hats!" The author stopped in mid-glomp and rushed the pile of hats and jumped in.

Vincent looked upon the scene with astonishment. "How did you do that?"

"Well, she has an weird obsession with hats, and the Lost Boys haven't had any candy in years." It was really rather simple.

Final stop, Spin-the-Bottle. It was also extremely simple, for all I had to do was break the bottle. I preferred to do it on something hard so it will shatter before they have a chance to react. As I looked around I saw the perfect place.

"Author, this will hurt. No use denying it."

"Huh?"

I swung the bottle and the bottle wasn't the only thing that broke. Mass gasps of horror were sounded in the partiers.

"How could you?"

"That was just plain horrifying!"

"Murder!"

"I can't believe you smashed it like that!"

"You destroyed our last bottle!"

I turned around from the shattered bottle and turned around, hands on hips. "Well too bad! Party's over, everyone get out or I'll get a certain Vincent in a bad mood."

Everyone got out, with much complaining included, but no real problems. No one wants a mad Vincent on the loose, though it was just a hollow threat, because a mad Vincent was just a plain offense to humanity.

I stared at Leon hyperventilating on the floor and called Vincent. "Vinnie! Drag Squallie here to rest somewhere, okay? This will be the first job of many during your servitude." Insert maniacal laughter here.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ansems- No, Sephiroth's Marvelous Mini-Series!

Hello! Today we'll be learning the three steps of an impressive exit to burning a city. All you future villains out there, pay special attention!

Step One: Position yourself in flames.

Step Two: Raise head slowly from looking at the ground and turn around.

Step Three: Billow your hair in the imaginary wind and walk through the fire, ignore the pain.

WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF

AN: Well, there's that for ya. R&R!


	8. Intermission

I watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, I watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, I watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children… and it was teh bomb. Oh by the way, this is an intermission chapter because my brain has gone blank and I need something to fill in the gap. It's also a list of things that didn't happen, and I'm pretty glad that they didn't.

Disclaimer: I watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, I watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, I watched Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children… I don't own Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Kingdom Hearts, or anything else I fail to mention.

Lack Thereof: The Lost Boys? Hmm… that gives me an idea…

IceKitty: That's nice.

Chappie 8: Intermission

DIVIDERDIVIDERDIVIDERDIVIDERDIVIDERDEVIDERDEVIDERDIVIDER

Sephiroth's and Ansem's Walk

Sephiroth and Ansem were walking down an unusually long road of Hallow Bastion. It had absolutely no point whatsoever, and was simply created for having happy summer strolls that lead to nowhere. Imagine the boredom. Suddenly, Sephiroth whirled around and started acting very alert. Ansem was watching his friend's face with puzzlement as Sephiroth sniffed the air.

"Erm, Seph? Why are you smelling the air?"

"I sense a disturbance in the force."

"…What…?"

"There is someone hiding in that unusually girly clump of bushes."

"How do you know? I haven't sensed anything."

"I'm Sephiroth you twit. The One-Winged-Angel. The person who has a fifteen feet long sword. The person who is sexier than you."

"…"

"Well, anyhoo, there's one of my stalkers in that bush."

"Well shouldn't we talk a bit softer, what if the person heard us?"

"No prob with that, fourteen-year-olds don't listen to much."

"Erm, okies."Ansem shrugged.

"Okay, you must try to sneak up behind the bush and skewer the girl with your… er… just sharpen a stick and kill the thing."

"But… I don't think we should run around killing random people…"

"You wanna be a god or not?"

"No…"

"Well the only way you can be a god—What? You don't want to be a god? Why not?"

"It's not really my type of thing… I mean, I like to work simple. You know, make a few monsters, destroy a few worlds, write a few overdramatic speeches…"

"Dude, you need to get a life."

"Excuse me Mister I-Spend-My-Saturdays-Watching-Cartoons-On-Disney-Channel!"

Sephiroth staggered a few steps back, looking very hurt indeed. "Why, I never!"

Ansem rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Whatever. Let's go take a look at that fangirl. Wait a minute, that clump of bushes look less girly… What if it escaped?"

Sephiroth looked petrified. Then he started turning his head from side to side to look for a good hiding spot. Sadly, his fear of the fangirl enabled him only to hide behind something that he knew any fangirl would not get within a forty-two feet radius. AKA, Ansem.

"Quick! Let me hide behind you!" Sephiroth dodged behind Ansem, still looking very shaken indeed.

Ansem blinked a few times, and then his eyes widened in realization. "Sephiroth… Did someone forget to take their medication?"

Sephiroth wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I don't like grape flavored… Why'd you get me grape flavored? Anyhoo, I burned it with the rest of Nebelhiem (AN: Dunno if I spelled that right…)!"

Ansem gritted his teeth. Then he sighed in exasperation and yanked Sephiroth by the ear back to the castle. Sephiroth was in Pain. Pain so Painful that P was a capital letter. "Oh the Pain! The Pain! It burns!" Okay, so, no, he wasn't like that. More like… "Ow! Owwie! Don't pull it off!"

Ansem pulled harder. So therefore they went like this for thirty minutes until a whoosh flew through the air and sounds of Sephiroth screaming could be heard. "AHHHH! I TOLD YOU THE FANGIRL WOULD COME FOR MEEEE! GET HER OFF!"

Ansem took one look at the fangirl devouring Sephiroth and took off as fast as his two legs would carry him. Which wasn't really fast because he never ran more than a mile since Gym class in the 10th grade. But happily enough, Ansem was too hideous to attract the fangirl, so he was back safe and sound. Sephiroth though, is another story.

ANOTHERSTORYANOTHERSTORYANOTHERSTORYANOTHERSTORY

Yuffie's Gizmo

Yuffie Kisaragi skipped into the accessory shop with the greatest invention ever since the Television. All heads turned as she came with a huge metal machine on her back like a backpack. It was rather surprising that she could carry it, for it didn't look too light and it was about three times her body mass.

Yuffie blinked. "S'not like I'm really carrying the thing, I've wearing the optional anti-grav feature it has." There was a disturbing silence that followed, but poor naive Yuffie took no notice.

Vincent was the first one to say something. "…What is it…?"

Yuffie looked rather proud. "It's my greatest steal— er… What was that word again? You know, when you buy something and didn't steal it?"

Leon was helpful enough to give some suggestions. "Um, is it bought?"

"Yeah! That's it! I BOUGHT it. It's called a Gimzothingermawatsumthunk 2000! Ain't it cool?" Yuffie eyed the machine with adoration.

The Gunbladist cocked his head to one side and blinked. "What's it do?"

"Why, you don't know? It… uh… hmm… gimme a minute to think up with it does… Oh yes! It makes replacement claws, one size fits all!" She really hoped that this would be a good reason for Vincent to accept the lie. Fortunately for Yuffie, this new OOC Vincent did believe her. Mass Ooooing and Aaaahing.

After about fifteen seconds after everyone got back to what they were doing before and paid no attention to Yuffie. So therefore being the annoying brat she is, she got mad. Yuffie pointed the strange leaf blower object at Vincent and pressed a button. Something baaad happened. Something very very baaaaaad. She found out the hard way that the leaf blowing was more like a vacuum.

Vincent screamed like the little girl he was as he attempted to get away from the vacuum, but to no avail because his cape was already gone, and his hair was starting to follow. Yuffie was most certainly afraid. All she could think about is what Vincent would do to her after she had enough nerve to close the machine.

Leon squealed. "AHHHHH OMFG LYKE IT'S FROM GHOSTBUSTERS II!"

Everybody stared at this one, even the poor Vincent who was slowly losing his precious hair. Leon was stuck with a smiley face and Yuffie and Vincent were scooching away. Far, far away. Anyways, Vincent's hair was still ripping off and Yuffie was still too petrified to close it. So three hours later, give or take, Vincent was stuck inside the abandoned vacuum screaming profanities at the long gone Yuffie.

VENIVENIVENIASNEMEMORIFACIASGLORIOUSAGENEROSASEPHIROTH

Ansem's—Er, I mean SEPHIROTH's Marvelous Mini-Series!

Hi again! As with the release of Advent Children, we shall do an Advent Children themed show! How to remember a person burning down your village in Advent Children!

Step One: Position the destroyer in flames, try really really hard to change your polygon memory into high detail please!

Step Two: Raise the destroyer's head slowly from the ground and turn around.

Step Three: A wall of flames rush through the screen of your memory, and then you see the destroyer turn around!

That's it for today's show! Tune in next time to see how Kadaj REALLY died!

THATSITFORSEPHIROTHSMARVELOUSMINISHOW

AN: I'm sorry I couldn't think of anything. Really really sorry. I have school and such and I can't think proper. Only four pages… This chapter sucks.


	9. Where the Plot Begins

Yesh friends, hell has frozen over and Satan is knocking on mah door. I have updated. Aw mah gawd. I really had this tibit in my journal for months, then I got lazy and never bothered to type it up, then I lost my journal, then I found my journal and lost Microsoft word, and then I got lazy again. I'm only typing this up for the reviews, and no reviews, no next chapter. Peace out foo'.

Disclaimah: In a happier world, I would have owned Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy. Sadly, this is not a happier world.

Chapter Nine: Where the Plot Begins and Other Stuff ends… Momentarily.

After the horrible party incident, lives continued as always. The Greatest Female Ninja Ever has caught a cold and everyone else got so OOC that they left her cold and alone in her room watching reruns of Clifford. No matter how hard she tried to concentrate her amazing psychic mind powers she could not magnetize the remote five feet away to her. Besides, concentrating gave her a migraine. This condition was especially strong tonight, for the Accessory Shop just got a batch of new earring from Halloween Town, and poor Yuffie couldn't even be there to steal any. Er, scratch that last phrase.

Actually, most of this was in Yuffie's head. Aerith sent Kuh-Low-Duh to entertain Yuffie with his so called magic tricks, but that ended when his hair poked a hole in the hat, and the rabbit for his final act got away. Currently he sat on the couch watching Clifford with a strange look of fascination on his face. Yuffie shuddered and moved a few inches away from him. Maybe the reason she didn't change the channel was because she was afraid of his eternal wrath if she even touched the remote.

At the Accessory Shop – New earrings for Vincent!

The OOCness was clearly shown here.

Aerith was avoiding all things pink and girly. Vincent was trying on earring, necklaces, and bracelets. Leon spent all his savings on a big tiara with pink blaze shards all over it.

"…I'll take the one that's black and studded with rubies… The pink one? THE PINK ONE? RAAAAAWR!" (Aerith)

"Oh, mah, gawd! I HAVE to have these cute little pinky rings with these adorable little kitty-cats on them! Hehehehe!" (Vincent)

"Don't I look pretty in this tiara?" (Leon)

Now that's over with…

Yuffie just managed to sneak out of the living room and sighed a great big sigh of relief when suddenly a Darkball charged out of nowhere and aimed right for her gut. Her eyes widened and let out a stream of prayers and the Darkball rampaged across the kitchen.

"Oh gawd oh gawd I don't wanna die! I'm sorry for all the stuff I stole, and I'm sorry for teasing people, and I'm sorry for lying, but I'm not sorry for the people who's Materia I stole, it was to help Wutai! Most places they just call it tax! Please please PLEASE let me go to heaven! I don't wanna get stuck with Auron, he's OLD, and he's such a stiff mother—"

Her words were cut short by Cloud dramatically rushing in, cape flaring, wing intimidating, and light shining behind him. A choir of people dressed as angels singing had some effect too. For a moment, she even forgot he was a geek who watched Clifford. Key term in there was for a moment.

Then Cloud body slammed the Darkball, and with its inability to stand such a mass amount of armor, exploded in a wisp of black smoke. It seemed to leave a part of itself behind because there was a slight whining beneath Cloud. After a few seconds, he processed the whining and blinked a few times, then got up.

The whining seemed to come out of a girl that looked like a Barbie with plastic surgery. It sat there on the ground whimpering until it saw Cloud. Then it jumped up and leapt into Cloud, cutting him off of any circulation and lung movement. Its pink sparkly dress seemed all the more gaudy as she murdered Cloud slowly. Poor Yuffie hid in the shadows, too terrified to move.

"Oh my love! My knight in shining armor! You've rescued me! And now we can both get drunk and accidentally sleep with each other and I'll be like, 'You took advantage of me!' and you'll confessed your undying love to me and I'll run away and throw myself down a cliff and you be right behind me but you don't catch me and I die and you cry and try to kill yourself but I'll float to you as a pretty white angel and then you'll stop being depressed and I'll come back alive again and say I love you because I was in denial before and then we'll get married and have a billion babies."

"…Heee…" Cloud wheezed.

Yuffie whispered behind the kitchen wall, "Um… he's not the main character… sorry…"

The Mary Sue immediately dropped Cloud on the ground in a heap and fell on the floor whimpering again. "Need… to… be… rescued… by… main…. Character…"

In the Alleyway…

"Hey Aerith you want a lift up to the balconey?"

"No thanks." Aerith grabbed the string of advertisements, swung around, landed on the roof, and then lightly jumped up to the balcony.

Vincent and Leon stared in awe as they attempted to scramble up the walls. A unanimous thought stood in their minds: Aerith was SO not like herself today.

In the Kitchen, or more precisely, on the floor of the Kitchen

The poor Mary-Sue was crying her shallow little heart out to the world. "Why hasn't my savior come yet? I've been here for like five minutes! The main character always comes within the first three minutes!"

Yuffie was still hiding behind the wall, fearing the Mary-Sue would maul her if she said anything. And she was probably right.

Then Leon and Vincent both burst in the kitchen at the same time, with Vincent raising his new water gun to replace his old Death Penalty gun and Leon hiding behind him like a three-year-old. The Mary-Sue immediately used her magical scan ability to detect who was more rescuer-like in this picture. Therefore, she glomped Vincent.

"Oh my lord! My skin! It burns like a thousand fires on speed!" And then Vincent started melting.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOooooo…o…" and Vincent turned into a puddle with real eyes. Yuffie stared at the puddle and the Mary-Sue hugging thin air and shouted to them.

"Hey, Squallie, go borrow the Vincent mould from Tetsuya Noruma!"

"Aye-aye, ma'am." Then Leon skipped off riding his Scooty-Puff jr. (If you can tell me which show that came from I shall give you a Twinkie.)

The Mary-Sue suddenly realized Vincent was no longer being choked to death and instead in a puddle under her, she turned into a female Behemoth PMSing! Okay no. But she did fly into a rage and turned on Yuffie.

"You, yoooo! You're the one who killed my Vinnie-poo! You shall pay as I use my mystical God-like powers that will hit you every time and every time you try to hit me you will MISS!" The Mary-Sue started jumping around the room on one leg and making various movements with her hands and uttering an ancient incantation that sounded somewhat like this: "One little, two little, three little ponies. Four little five little, six little ponies, frolicking around in the hay!"

The Yuffster screamed with horror. "AHH! IT BURNS US!" then clutched her ears and pulled in a vain attempt to rip them off. After the singing had stopped, the Mary-Sue looked triumphant and Yuffie extremely relieved.

"Okay, okay, you win. Now what do you want?"

The Mary-Sue looked like she was about to say something, then stopped and looked puzzled. "Hey that's right, what DO I want? Oh wait! I know! The classic plot! I just want to settle down from killing vampires and have a family." The Mary-Sue looked innocent enough.

Yuffie was confused. "Well, three things you need to know: One, there are no vampires in Traverse 'cept Vinnie. Two, if you mass murder vampires, wouldn't Vinnie be dead by now? Three, Vinnie is still whining on about his old girlfriend who cheated on him with a mad scientist, and I swear nothing works on him.

The Mary-Sue had a sudden stroke of brilliance that she will never have again in her lifetime. "Then, I shall disguise myself as Lucrecia! And Rinoa! And Aerith! And Kairi! So I can put all the Kingdom hearts guys under my superior mind control! Bwa-hahahahahaha!"

Yuffie blinked a few times, processing the information into her head. "That's nice. But you do you that 'Bwa-haha' is SO five minutes ago. You should really try 'Eeeeehehehe!'"

The Mary-Sue scribbled the down on a notepad and set off to enslave the KH guys. "First, I must get Vincent. KABLOOMIES!" The Mary-Sue magically turned into Lucrecia.

Yuffie gaped like the idiot she was. "B-But, how did you do that without plastic surgery? That's like, bending the rules of reality!"

The Mary-Sue rolled her eyes. "First, this isn't real. It's a bleeping fanfic! Second, all Mary-Sues come with the power to bend reality. Like DO'H."

"Um, okies."

Then the Mary-Sue dashed off someplace, but Yuffie heard her trip and scream and fall on something with an unappetizing squelch, Yuffie winced.

"Ooo… I think she just fell on Vincent…"

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

Sephiroth's Marvelous Mini-Show!

$$$SPECIAL EDITION$$$

A Day in the Life of Yuffie: Mornings.

"DING DING DING DING DING!"

"Dammit foo', shut up!" Yuffie picked up her alarm, threw it out the window, where it hit a toucan passing by, and the bird squawked, knocked over a lamppost, which in turn broke open the window of Gepetto's house. Then one of the shards knocked over a candle, which lit his whole house and Pinocchio up in pyro.

"NOOOO! My house! PINOOOOCHIOOOOO!"

Anyhoo, back to Yuffie.

She got up finally, rubbed her eyes, and yawned. Then after sitting for five minutes, staring at the wall with drool coming out of her mouth, the Yuffster got up and leisurely strolled to the bathroom. This is going to take a while, so let's come back later.

Two hours later…

"Yuffie! I really need to go to the bathroom! I hafta peeee!"

"Wait a minute Squallie!"

"Okay…"

"La la laaa…"

"…"

"Waaaaaade in the water. Wade in the water, children. Waaaaade in the water."

"…!"

"Okay Squallie I'm all done!" Yuffie walked out with a smile on her face, and then she noticed the yellow puddle under Leon. Yuffie sighed.

"See Squallie, this is why we don't take Viagra with beer."

In the Kitchen – Gourmet Heartless!

"Hey, what's this stuff in mah cereal?" Yuffie pointed to her cereal as Aerith washed the dishes.

"It's Lucid Shards mixed with Shadow Eyeballs. It's good for you."

"Like ew."

So after the Great Ninja Yuffie got her nutrition and hygiene, she was ready to step out into Traverse to kill more Heartless. Thus ends our episode.

THATWAZTEHLONGESTSHOWIVEEVERWRITTENIFEELSPECIALYAYNESSYO

Wootness. I liked the show more than the ficcum. Lawlz, drop a review, and see you next time!

P.S. If you don't like it, make sure you flame! Sephy can't burn villages forever to heat the house!


End file.
